The Relationship Pattern That Finally Broke Me Open

For years and years I used to put every man I liked on a pedestal. Not because they told me to. It was just something I would do automatically. And I thought it was normal to do it this way. I thought this was love.

But somewhere lately I have been realising that I might be a very empathic woman who at the same time has a pattern of attracting unavailable men — and what is the reason for this?

The reason is unhealed traumas and lack of awareness.

What kept hurting me the most was not even the men themselves. It was what happened inside of me when I liked someone.

The moment I felt something for a man… I would slowly abandon myself. Without noticing it. Without choosing it consciously.

And my whole emotional world would begin revolving around him.

And for years I thought this was love.

I thought love meant caring deeply. Understanding deeply. Giving deeply.

But what I slowly realised is that a lot of what I called “love”… was actually emotional survival.

Because when you have unhealed wounds, love does not feel peaceful. It feels addictive. Intense. Uncertain. Like you constantly have to earn your place in someone’s life.

And because I was so empathic, I could feel everything. I could feel when a man was hurting. When he was disconnected. When he had childhood wounds. When he struggled emotionally.

And instead of seeing that as information… I saw it as an invitation to love him harder.

That is where the pattern began.

I became attracted to emotionally unavailable men because my nervous system was familiar with emotional inconsistency. Distance felt normal to me. Having to chase connection felt normal to me. Feeling emotionally unsafe felt normal to me.

So when a healthy man came along — someone emotionally available, grounded, consistent — it almost felt boring to my nervous system. Not because he was boring. But because chaos had become familiar.

And this is the part nobody talks about enough.

Your patterns are not random. Your nervous system is recreating what feels emotionally familiar. Even if it hurts you.

I used to think: “Why do I always attract unavailable men?”

But the deeper truth was: Why was I emotionally available for people who could not fully meet me?

That question changed everything for me.

Because I started seeing how much of myself I abandoned inside relationships.

I would sit there trying to decode mixed signals instead of asking the most important question: “Why am I accepting confusion as love?”

And the hardest part is… when you are empathic, you can accidentally romanticise people’s wounds. You see their potential. Their softness underneath the walls. The little moments where they finally open up. And you hold onto those moments hoping the relationship will become what you know it could be.

But potential is not a relationship. Consistency is.

And I think many women confuse emotional depth with emotional unavailability.

A man being wounded is not the same as him being emotionally mature. A man having trauma does not automatically mean he is capable of healthy love.

That was painful for me to accept. Because I thought if I loved deeply enough, understood enough, stayed patient enough… eventually they would choose me fully.

But what I had to realise is this: love cannot heal someone into readiness.

And another painful truth? Sometimes we chase unavailable people because deep down we are unavailable to ourselves.

I know that one is hard to hear. But it was true for me.

Because while I was hyperfocused on them… I was disconnected from myself. Disconnected from my own needs. My own boundaries. My own self worth. My own inner safety.

I could feel everybody else emotionally — except myself.

And healing started when I stopped asking: “How do I make them choose me?”

And started asking: “Why do I keep choosing situations where I feel abandoned?”

That question broke me open.

Because healing patterns is not just about understanding them intellectually. It is about becoming conscious in the moment the pattern activates.

That is where healing actually happens. Not in theory. In awareness.

And slowly I began noticing something. The more connected I became to myself… the less attractive emotional unavailability became.

Not because I became cold. Not because I stopped loving deeply. But because my definition of love changed.

And I think many empathic women have to learn this lesson: your empathy is beautiful. But without boundaries, empathy becomes self-abandonment.

You cannot pour all your love into another person while starving yourself emotionally.

And another thing I realised… putting someone on a pedestal is actually a form of self-rejection. Because while you are elevating them, you are unconsciously lowering yourself. You start seeing them as “more important.” More valuable. More special. And you slowly stop standing beside them as an equal human being.

That dynamic will always create imbalance. Healthy love is not worship. It is connection. It is two people meeting each other equally.

And honestly… this pattern breaking inside of me was painful. Because once you become conscious, you cannot unsee it anymore.

But awareness is the beginning of freedom.

And I think that is what this whole journey has really been for me. Not learning how to finally be chosen by emotionally unavailable men. But learning how to finally choose myself too.